In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize