I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
