2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
