Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
