so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
