you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
