i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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