my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
