I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
