i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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