If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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