got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
