I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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