ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
this is an emotional support booty call
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
