My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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