$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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