Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
