First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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