at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
