ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
