I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
