He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
