If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
