We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
