Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
