I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
