You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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