I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
