I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
