It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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