i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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