Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Im part way to drunk.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
