I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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