I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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