here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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