babies were throwing up all over the place
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize