No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
