I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
