I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
