I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I skipped work to stalk him.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
