so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i believe in u and ur pee
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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