I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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