just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
