Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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