The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
