New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
