proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
