I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
