If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
