Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
