You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
