im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
