I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Someone came in the potted fern
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
