I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
