dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
