So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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