i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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