I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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