i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
