I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
