I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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