i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
