Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
