I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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