There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
